Bat Shit Movie Reviews

Okay, so I was somehow convinced to watch “The Land Before Time” the other day, and let me tell you, it’s not exactly what I had in mind. I mean, seriously, who comes up with this stuff? Dinosaurs that talk, befriend each other, and go on some epic quest to find the “Great Valley”? Sounds like someone had way too much time on their hands.

First of all, I get it, it’s an animated movie, and it’s supposed to be a “kids’ flick.” But come on, I can’t help but roll my eyes at the whole concept. Dinosaurs didn’t talk, and they certainly didn’t have complex emotions and friendships. I mean, they were just giant reptiles trying to survive, right? It’s like trying to make sense of a unicorn-shaped jigsaw puzzle – it just doesn’t fit.

And don’t even get me started on Littlefoot and his gang of misfit dinosaur buddies. You’ve got Littlefoot the Apatosaurus (try saying that five times fast), Cera the Triceratops, Petrie the Pteranodon, Ducky the Saurolophus, and Spike the Stegosaurus. I mean, really? The only one that doesn’t sound like a bad sci-fi movie is Spike, and all he does is munch on leaves.

The movie keeps shoving this message of unity and friendship down your throat, and it’s like, “Okay, we get it, but why are we learning life lessons from a bunch of animated dinos?” I mean, I’ve got real-life friends who can’t even agree on what to order for pizza, so I’m not sure I’m buying the whole “let’s hold hands and sing Kumbaya” thing from dinosaurs.

And what’s with the Great Valley being some sort of dinosaur paradise? It’s like the Garden of Eden for these prehistoric reptiles (sans the Meg…that fish would have cleaned up shop for sure). A land of abundance and safety? In reality, dinosaurs probably spent most of their time just trying not to get eaten by each other. But no, in this movie, they’re off on a quest to find dino-Eden. Right.

Let’s not forget the whole earthquake thing that separates them from their families. Okay, I get it, drama for the plot and all that, but couldn’t they have found a more believable way to create conflict? Like maybe they got lost or something, not this apocalyptic geological event. It’s just too much.

Look, I know I sound like a total buzzkill, but “The Land Before Time” just didn’t do it for me. It’s one thing to make an animated movie for kids, but it’s another to try to pass it off as some deep, meaningful story. Dinosaurs talking and going on epic journeys? Yeah, right.

If you agree that the American public could benefit from some solid, realistic Dino content go ahead and let me know in the comments. And in the off chance you are interested in a career in investment banking, boxing, marine biology, shark hunting, or bodybuilding, take a beat and remember these words: Dino’s don’t talk.

Rating: A steamy verified 2 BatShits out of 5 on the BatShit Scale